Herpes is one of the most common sexually transmitted infections (STIs), yet stigma and misinformation persist. In Australia, up to 80% of adults carry HSV-1 (oral herpes), while around 1 in 8 sexually active people have HSV-2 (genital herpes) (RPA Sexual Health, 2023). If you’ve received a herpes diagnosis, you might feel unsure about dating, disclosing your status, and maintaining a fulfilling sex life. The good news? You are not alone, and herpes is a manageable condition that doesn’t have to define your romantic future.
What is Herpes?
Herpes simplex virus (HSV) is a viral infection that causes sores around the mouth (HSV-1) or genitals (HSV-2). It is a lifelong condition, but effective treatments are available to manage symptoms and reduce transmission risk (CDC, 2023). While the virus stays in the body, many people experience fewer outbreaks over time.
HSV is primarily transmitted through direct skin-to-skin contact, including kissing and sexual activity. Notably, HSV-1 can also cause genital herpes through oral sex. Many individuals with herpes are asymptomatic, meaning they may unknowingly pass it to a partner (RPA Sexual Health, 2023).
Breaking the Stigma: Why Herpes Shouldn’t Define You
The stigma surrounding herpes is often worse than the physical symptoms. This is largely due to misconceptions about the virus, outdated public health messaging, and fear-based narratives. The reality is that herpes is incredibly common, and millions of people lead normal, healthy lives while managing it (WHO, 2023).
A herpes diagnosis does not mean the end of dating or intimacy. Many people in relationships navigate HSV together successfully. The key is education, open communication, and confidence in managing the condition.
When Should I Disclose My Herpes Status?
Disclosing your HSV status to a partner can feel daunting, but it’s an essential part of informed consent. There is no universal “right time”—the best moment depends on your comfort level and the nature of your relationship.
Early disclosure vs. later disclosure:
- Some people prefer to disclose early in dating to avoid emotional investment before rejection.
- Others wait until there is a meaningful connection and trust before sharing.
- The most important factor is that the conversation happens before sexual intimacy.
It’s best to have this conversation in a private, low-pressure setting where both parties can communicate openly. Approaching the discussion with confidence and facts can help ease concerns.
How to Tell a Partner You Have Herpes
Bringing up herpes might feel overwhelming, but the way you frame the conversation can shape the outcome. Here are some tips:
- Be direct but positive.
- Example: “I want to talk to you about something personal because I respect and trust you. I have herpes, and I manage it well with antiviral medication. It doesn’t impact my daily life, and I can take precautions to reduce transmission.”
- Provide accurate information.
- Many people have outdated perceptions of herpes. Explain that suppressive therapy and condom use significantly lower the risk of transmission.
- Emphasise mutual sexual health responsibility.
- Instead of making herpes the sole focus, discuss getting STI tests together.
- Be prepared for different reactions.
- Some people may be supportive, while others may need time to process. Remember that rejection is not a reflection of your worth.
Navigating Casual Dating and Hookups with Herpes
For those engaging in casual dating or using apps like Tinder and Hinge, disclosure can feel even trickier. Some people choose to mention their status in their bio, while others prefer to wait until a connection is established.
If you choose to disclose before meeting in person, a simple text like: “I like to be upfront about STI status—I have herpes, but I take precautions. If you have questions, I’m happy to chat!” can work. This approach normalises the conversation and encourages transparency.
Managing a Sex Life with Herpes
A herpes diagnosis doesn’t mean you have to give up a satisfying sex life. Here’s how to minimise transmission risk:
- Use Antiviral Medication – Suppressive therapy (e.g., valacyclovir) reduces outbreaks and decreases transmission risk by nearly 50% (CDC, 2023).
- Avoid Sex During Outbreaks – Herpes is most contagious when sores are present. Wait at least seven days after healing before resuming sexual activity.
- Use Protection – Condoms and dental dams reduce risk but do not eliminate it entirely.
- Communicate with Partners – Being open about sexual health creates trust and encourages responsible choices.
The Bottom Line
A herpes diagnosis does not mean the end of your love life. Millions of people navigate dating and relationships with HSV successfully. By educating yourself, practising open communication, and taking precautions, you can continue to build meaningful romantic and sexual connections.
Ultimately, don’t let stigma hold you back. You deserve love, intimacy, and happiness—herpes or not.
References
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (2023). Genital herpes – CDC fact sheet. https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes.htm
- RPA Sexual Health. (2023). Herpes: Facts and myths. https://www.slhd.nsw.gov.au/rpa/sexualhealth/
- World Health Organization (WHO). (2023). Herpes simplex virus. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/herpes-simplex-virus
